How Lucky Am I?

So, silly as it sounds, everyone apparently needs a 4 hour window to be a puddle.  That was my Sunday evening... 

But, thanks to this wonderful man...

reminding me that I am perfect to these two perfect little girls: 

My beautiful little scientist...

and my darling little diva...

Just their smiles and little giggles makes everything so clear.  

I am who I am, and if I were anyone different, I wouldn't be so blessed to have this: 

Thank you for that- Yeah, thanks.

I've been sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks for two hours... thank you for that. 


I've had years and years and years of body image issues... thanks for that. 


I've wasted years of my life worrying about how I can impress you... thank you for that.  


I've spent days and moments not feeling pretty, when I really am... thanks for that.


My heart has felt cracked and broken ever sense I was ten... thank you for that.  


Will I ever heal- I'm certainly not sure about that.  How can someone so influential in your life make you feel like such CRAP?  Make you feel like you'll never measure up???  Make you feel like such a black sheep that you cut yourself out of everyone's lives???  


Let me tell ya, you've never been "thin".  Not in my lifetime.  So you know what- SHOW ME how you want me to be.  Be that "Model".  


I am sooooooo angry right now- so angry I want to vomit- would that make you happy?  Would that make me the "perfect" everyone else seems to be.  


Know what, I have a very big disdain for you.  Hell if I am going to let my children even be influenced by the hurt you instill.  


Funny thing is- YOU AREN'T perfect-  the words that cross your lips- they are DAGGERS- and they have always been.  You have no regard for the hurt you bestow.  


So here's what I am gonna do- I am going to rebuild that wall.  I am going to make sure that every crack and hole I tried to break down to give you the benefit of the doubt is closed.  Nope you are NEVER EVER EVER getting back in. 

Loooovvveeee Love Love Love this Song

I am too wiped to write, but I have been listening to some Garth lately, and find some calm in this song... enjoy the words- gives me a piece a mind when I need it.

Weeks half over... AMEN!

The River, as performed by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...

And, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

Comparable

I think about it.  I do.  I try hard not to, but I do. 


I can't help but wonder, what if she does... what if I turn to gray.  


Not like it's never happened before... I have always really been that blur in the background, not matter who was around.  


It's been part of my acceptance, because without that acceptance, I would have for sure driven myself damn crazy. 


So I keep telling myself- "Doesn't matter.  You are who you are, and she can be happy or disapproving... it won't matter to you."  Do I need to be sterner, louder... more confident? 


I took the path less traveled in her very vocal opinion, but I have certainly learned along the way.  Not only have I learned, but man, have I gained.  Gained my soul mate, the love of my very being.  Have been very blessed with these two innocent and beautiful little souls.  With their wrinkly little noses, and those "Puss and Boots" eyes that get me E V E R Y T I M E (but I wouldn't trade it for the world).  


So why do I let it get to me so much... I have acceptance elsewhere.  Why do I need this specific acceptance?  Maybe because it's not acceptance that I should have to fight for.  Maybe because it's something that is just supposed to be there.  

Jello

So I did it.  
Worse than burning water- I wrecked probably the easiest thing ever.  
Yup- Jello.  


Don't ask me how I did it (but I wouldn't recommend using the quick-prep instructions on the box), just know, there was a whole lotta water, and a whole lotta leather like substance- but not a whole lotta anything that met in the middle.  


Where is the middle really?  Where is the middle that's perfection?  Where is the balance... not too soupy, not too hard?  And how does it get that way?  Clearly, if it's too hard, things will bounce off, deflected.  If it's too soupy, things sink right in.  And then it's never the same.  


So whats better?  Keeping things out.  Protecting the inside?  Or is it better to let things in- making little holes as those things go right through?  


Just "food" for thought I guess.  Where's the middle?  Where is perfection?  Is perfection just simple satisfaction? 

Cherish Your Children

This probably won't make me a whole lot of friends; it probably will piss some people off.  But putting these thoughts onto a screen will make me feel a WHOLE lot better, and isn't that what it's supposed to do?? 


I had a run in with a sweet little girl today... sweet sweet sweet... with dirty and long fingernails... so me, being the one that has no problems crossing lines, took her aside and took care of those long and dirty nails.  In the midst, I come to hear from the mouth of this sweet little girl that her mom is "naughty" to her.  Now, I am not pointing fingers or implying any sort of physical abuse, but it was obvious that this sweet little girl is a bit neglected; physically and emotionally.  


This ENRAGES me.  Now I am not saying I deserve Mother of the Year in the least bit.  But come on... that a sweet little girl can verbalize that her Mommy is naughty, there is an issue there.  It hurts my heart to no end.  Mostly for the little girl.  There seems to be no mommy-daughter bond there.  None.  There is no place there for her to idolize her mommy.  So sad.  So so so sad.  


It also makes my heart hurt to know that while this little girl has come into the world with the sole purpose of being someone's little blessing, and it being ignored.  There are other women & men out there that want nothing more BUT that blessing.  Yet- there is this.  Someone that obviously does not appreciate this blessing.  It makes no sense to me.  NONE.  


I know that God brings us the blessings as he sees fit, but what about those blessings that aren't realized?  And how can those men and women who have wanted nothing but that blessing not experience the unconditional love of a child?  


Appreciate your children people.  Know that every tantrum, every whine, every test of your patience is something that you can thank God for.  


I was wrong.  This didn't help.  But I guess I can't change the world, huh?